A hoop house (also called a “hoophouse”) is a type of plastic house, generally constructed in the shape of a hoop. The purpose of the hoop house or hoophouse is to extend the growing season to make up for your wretched, pathetic summer garden that totally blew. I mean, it really did.
Here are the 5 Easy Steps to building a hoop house you can be proud of.
Step 1: Gather your tools. You will need:
a) A bangy tool
b) a heavy-duty l’il pink plastic shovel
c) an ancient rusted hacksaw
d) the work gloves you forgot in the wet, moldy wood behind the garden last Fall
Step 2: Throw the work gloves in the trash can.
Step 3: Assemble your materials. You will need:
a) some wood
b) Johnny Depp
I mean plastic sheeting
Note: you’ll need 2300g/m2/24h needle punched nonwoven PE breathable film.
Or that enormous wad of used plastic your neighbor’s movers left in the driveway that everyone is walking around instead of picking up.
Step 3: Take a break for Chinese food.
Fortune cookie fortune: “Your hoop house is going to look like a pile of shit.”
Step 4: Use the tools and the wood to assemble the frame.
It should look exactly like this:
See the hoop?
Don’t forget the flying buttresses!
Step 5: Put on the plastic sheeting.
While applying the plastic to the frame, you fall somehow and hurt your wrist, shoulder, back and the right side of your butt, as well as crushing a row of young lettuces and soiling your favorite jeans, and you decide to take some aspirin and call it a night.
Step 5: Put on the plastic sheeting
Your friends should help you with this part, but it might be a good idea to tell them to pull up their boxers.
And voila! You now have a beautiful, aerodynamic hoop house, and soon the neighbors will be begging you for your blueprints!
Wait for it . . .
Wait for it . . .
Tell the neighbors you don’t know where the blueprints came from.