Though it looks like pure loneliness, I’m pretty sure that what is really cracking my foundation is the slow failure of my happy meds. More often than not, these days, I find that I’m sliding deeper into the pit again, back into that familiar, daily anxiety and depression that grinds at my bones. The fact that I’m on some pretty heavy-duty drugs, and they’re failing me, only feeds my despair – what’s next, shock treatment?
I got a little taste of normalcy. Just enough to make me know what I’m missing when the brain chemistry is not right. I’m pretty sure that if the chemistry were right, I wouldn’t be sitting here alone on my couch, writing about it. I’d be on the phone, talking, making plans, building myself some community. But my particular blend of crazies allows no room for anything but total self-focus – just have to make it through today. Day after day. It takes so much strength to live with that any contact with people exhausts me. Good times.