Bruno Gets Pregnant, in which Bernard the ceramic basset hound, husband of Bruno the ceramic greyhound, catches each baby as Bruno gives birth. “Pshht,” says Rocky, as each baby shoots out into Bernard’s waiting hands. That’s the sound of babies coming out. Then Bernard brings the baby over, and Bruno names it. “Dimble”, says Bruno, pleased. Next, “Pretty.” Next, “Bastbruno.” Bruno keeps popping out babies, all girls, until she has, at my estimation, about 20. “Lilyblossom … Kelpie … Dazzle … ”
Then come the boy puppies. Bruno hurries to get that over with, and names them “Snotty. Poop. Boogerface.” Et cetera. (Apparently Rocky’s not much into boys right now). When it comes time to nurse the babies, Bruno informs Bernard, “I will nurse the girl puppies, and you will nurse the boy puppies on your penis.”
“Rocky,” I tell her gently, “my ceramic dog is not going to play that, because we don’t play about anybody touching another person’s penis. That’s Bernard’s special private part.” I was imagining Rocky over at old Mrs. Strong’s down the street, telling her about this fun game she plays with Mama …
“But I want the boy puppies to nurse on him!” “Well, lets just pretend Bernard has milk in his nukins, okay?”
So Bruno nursed the girls on her nukins, and Bernard nursed the boys on his nukins. I thought, it’s 2009. If a man can have babies, a ceramic basset hound can lactate.