Aren’t you glad you asked?

And now it’s time for . . . The Bedbug Hour! And here’s your host, Creepy von Itcherson!

Hello, and welcome to the show! Today’s mail comes from the far-away land of New York. It’s a letter from our loyal viewer Tree Frog, who asks the important question, “What do you do about bed bugs?”

Well, Tree Frog, it seems there are a few different approaches. Having kids and pets in the house, we’ve had to choose the more organical route, and hope to hell it works. First, we vacuumed and vacuumed and vacuumed, every crack and crevice in every wall, electrical outlet plate and floor, and all over the mattresses and furniture, especially in the seams. We killed as many as we could see, in the process. We didn’t have many – we’ve seen maybe 15 total. Then I wrapped the box spring and mattress in thick painter’s plastic (available at Home Depot!) and sealed them shut with duct tape. We pulled the bed out from the wall, and the couch and other furniture. We sprinkled diatomaceous earth along the baseboards on the floor, and around the bottom of the bed. Then we sprayed a mixture of orange oil and water all over everything, including the sides of the bed. Diatomaceous earth kills them when they crawl through it – it pierces them (much like how they mate!) and they basically bleed to death. Which I, being the Queen Protector of All Things Small and Helpless, actually do feel badly about. I have a radical viewpoint on the worth of all living things. But back to killing bloodsucking parasites . . . the orange oil is supposed to repel them, and I’ve heard Neem works well, too. If sprayed directly on them, it seems to kill them. The plastic on the bed is so that any bugs or larvae we were not able to vacuum will die inside the casing, in oh, about a year. The only reason we did that is because we can’t afford a new bed. As you might expect, Rukan is NOT keen on the idea of sleeping on top of hatching larvae. I’m not thrilled about it, either. I keep picturing bedbugs, scratching at the plastic from the inside, crying “help me!” in the voice of The Fly. We got rid of Rocky’s mattress, which had been on the floor and which she had shared with the pets, and moved her to the upper bunk. We sealed our bedclothes in plastic bags and are going to wash them and dry them hot, hot hot in a commercial dryer. Same with any toy animals or clothes that were lying around.

I recommend that you do not put any infested furniture out on the street corner. Please do not share the love with your neighbors. Also, do not take in any free furniture, as once you get these bugs, they are very, very hard to get rid of.

Lo, what will become of your heroines and their battle against slow insanguination?? Tune in next time for another exciting episode of, “The Bedbug Hour”! You can’t wait, I know!

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One response to “Aren’t you glad you asked?

  1. Hi Creepy von Itcherson,

    Your post is a bright spot in my current bed bug misery. We hope to start the Blue Bed Bug Protocol later today, but we have to go shopping for supplies like plastic, tape, garbage bags, caulk, and the strongest essential oils in existence. (Do you just buy those little bottles of essential oils and then mix them yourself with water in a spray bottle?)

    Do any of you have hives or blisters from the bites, or is it just me? I’ve got a homemade comfrey compress on a few of the hive villages right now. I’m not sure if it’s helping or not.

    I’ve read about diatomaceous earth, and I’m a little worried about its safety because I read that it can hurt the lungs? I do, however, love the idea of mechanically killing the evil bloodsuckers by cutting them apart with DE. (Hi, my name is Tree, and I have insecticidal urges.)

    Don’t worry–I definitely won’t put any furniture on the curb. Our plan is to take some items straight to the dump, and we’re hoping that some items can just be sunned outside and perhaps sprayed with essential oils?

    We aren’t sure about the source of our infestation. Possibilities: our storage unit, a used armchair (from a friend), the next door neighbors who we share a wall with, thrift store clothes, library books, or who knows?

    Keep us updated about how your bed bug exorcism is working.

    -Tree Frog

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