Local News

Tells authorities, “ouch”

by Seymour Harry Bush, Austin-American Statesman

EMTs, APD and the Fire Department this morning worked cooperatively in a daring rescue, right after a 911 call was received. The caller told authorities he was hearing screams of “FUCK FUCK FUCKING SHIT FUCK” coming from a the “little shack” next to his multi-million-dollar McMansion in south-central Austin. “I mean, I hear things like that all the time coming from them over there. But this has a definite note of true ‘Fuck’ to it – an ‘oh my fucking goodness, this really fucking hurts’ kind of a ‘Fuck’.”

According to APD spokeswoman Pat Down-Oliver, who arrived first on the scene, the woman and her domestic partner were found inside their home, apparently surprised to find the door broken in and an attractive dyke cop in their living room, gun drawn.

Upon close assessment of the situation, Officer Down-Oliver holstered her weapon, opened her address book and called in backup. “The response was overwhelming,” the woman, who wanted to remain anonymous, later told Statesman reporters. “We had EMTs, APD, and those really cute Firefighters who were in the parade this year.”

The woman, who apparently pulled on her labia piercing instead of her tampon string, appeared to be fine. “It was just a little yank,” she said. “No real harm done.” Nonetheless, the response team stayed in the house for several hours, during which time neighbors reported hearing laughter, dance music, and calls of “FREEZE! And I mean it!”


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