And now, it’s time for . . .
The Blue Ox Interview Hour!
Blue Ox: Hello! Hello, everybody! Oh, thank you! Thanks, really! Love you too! I’m here today with . . . God! Hello, God.
God: Hello, Blue Ox.
BO: How are you today?
God: Oh, you know. Can’t complain.
BO: Gosh, I have so many questions for you. So, to start out . . .
God: My favorite color is green.
BO: How did you know I was going to . . . oh, right.
BO: That whole omnipotent thing. Damn that’s annoying. Right, here’s one: am I going to Hell for not going to church more often?
God: Ok. You people need to understand something. You want to know the best way to experience God? Some Sunday morning, go out and find someone with a womb, someone who can create and grow new life inside her body. Ask her to have sex with you, preferably out in an ancient mossy glade. Then, when the moment is juuuust right . . . POOF! God.
BO: Um . . . well . . .
BO: I don’t know. That’s so . . . pagan.
God: I just read The DaVinci Code.
BO: What about the Bible?
God: Laughed my ass off.
BO: For real?
God: You know, not at the whole thing, just at the dumb made-up parts.
BO: How about Jesus?
God: Nice kid. Good ideas.
BO: Son of God?
God: No. Regis.
BO: . . .
God: Regis Philbin. Son of Regis.
BO: . . .
God: Regis, see? Five years from now, perfects the time machine he’s been secretly working on. Goes back in time, works the charm on guess who? When they ask the lucky lady who knocked her up, all she can say is “He was an angel!” and I guess they took her literally.
God: Then all that rising from the dead, ascending into Heaven, all that? That’s Regis, going back for visits, taking his kid out for time-machine joy rides. Jesus really is going to show up again.
God: Probably on America’s Got Talent.
BO: I don’t believe you.
God: Suit yourself. For the record, next time you stub your toe it’s “Jesus, Mary and Regis!”
BO: Whatever. Is the Pope right about gay people?
God: You know what that guy needs.
BO: I don’t think I want to know.
God: Hot, nasty sex around a Beltane fire. With three burly guys.
God: Mix him up a little.
BO: You’re crazy.
God: Nobody’s perfect.
BO: A lot of people say you are.
God: Dude. Tammy Faye Baker.
BO: Woo! Point taken.
God: Cockroaches – now THERE’S perfection!
BO: So you CAN make perfect things!
God: No. They invented me.
BO: Oh. Huh?
God: I don’t like to talk about it. Next question.
BO: . . . Ok. Why did Rocky get born with a heart defect?
God: Moving right along! Want to talk about my favorite song?
BO: No. I want to know why bad things happen to helpless people. Why was Rocky born with a heart defect?
God: *sigh* Why do people need all the answers? You said it yourself, somewhere in your blog. There’s no reason, per se. Kids just get born with heart defects.
BO: You read my blog?
God: Every day. Unless I’m busy inventing things.
BO: Wow! God reads my blog.
God: Everybody’s personal God reads their blog.
BO: Listen, I know I said all that about Nature is God, it’s just the way things swirl, blah blah blah, but what if there really is some sort of destiny/higher meaning thing happening and the religious people are right? Why do bad things happen? Why do people kill each other?
God: Why do coyotes kill bunnies?
BO: . . . to eat them. And barf them up for baby coyotes to eat.
God: Same basic principle.
BO: . . .
God: People are just animals, Blue. To steal a phrase from a buddy of mine, people are just monkeys with problems. That’s all there is to it.
BO: That’s totally depressing.
God: Deal with it.
BO: So there’s really nobody at the wheel here?
God: I didn’t say that.
BO: So you ARE my Lord and Saviour.
God: Not me. The cockroaches.
BO: I’d better throw away the baits.
BO: Ok, one last question. So what is your favorite song?
God: Simon and Garfunkel. “Bridge Over Troubled Water”.
BO: “Like a briiiidge . . . over troubled . . . waaater . . . “
God: Stop, I’m gonna cry.
BO: ” . . . I will laaaay me doooown . . . “
God: Stop. Seriously. My mascara’s going to run.
BO: Oh, right. Sorry. Well, that’s all our time for today! Thank you, God, for being on the show!
God: Anything for you, Blue Ox!