Things That Say "Fuck" in the Night

For lunch today, I’m eating a salami and cheddar sandwich with mustard on white bread, pilfered from Evander’s moms’ fridge while they’re not here. Aren’t you glad I don’t have a key to YOUR house?

And now, it’s time for . . .

starring Pocket and Parsley Goldfish

Last night, I woke up in the middle of the night, as I do almost every night, and lay there awake in the little efficiency we’re staying in while the house is getting done. What’s that noise? I thought. It was whispering. And it was coming from . . . the fishtank. This is what I heard.
Parsley, I can’t believe how nice you’ve been to me while we’ve had to share this tiny little tank.

Yeah, you’ve been ok, too. I thought it would be a disaster, moving into a ten gallon. But it’s really been all right.

I thought for sure I’d go nuts without a TV or computer, crammed into a tiny apartment.

Me too. But I’ve actually enjoyed our Scrabble games, haven’t you? I mean, who knew we could actually sit down together and laugh and have fun?

Who knew we could even sit down?

Even the pond snail is happy. Just look at her, gliding around eating scum.

Cute little bugger. Wipe your chin, baby!

And now, with school starting for me, and a motherload of work, and rent going up . . . not to mention your long-lost son suddenly reappearing in our lives!


I mean, I really thought the stress of it all, plus not having any space to myself for a month, plus my parents all showing up at the same time, plus finding out our house is full of lead, plus no sex, would really make us hate each other.

“Jiffy” is not a word.


“Jiffy”. Not a word.

Sure it is.

No. It’s a proper noun. It’s a brand of peanut butter.

Um, actually, it is a word.

No it’s not.

Yes, actually, it IS. And I’m playing it.

Fine. I challenge.

We don’t have the dictionary. It’s still upstairs.

What?? We can’t play this without a dictionary! Why didn’t you bring it with the game?

It’s stuffed into a drawer. I wasn’t going to move all that crap!

Oh, GREAT! That is SO you. You can’t take ONE minute to move a few things, so we can do anything properly. It’s always so half-assed around here!

Goddamn it Pocket, don’t get started on all that again!

“JIFFY” is NOT a word.

YES IT IS. GOD, are you on another PLANET??

At that point, I put a pillow over my head and went back to sleep.

And that ends this edition of . . .



3 responses to “Things That Say "Fuck" in the Night

  1. And that right there is the reason I don’t let our pets play scrabble.

  2. PedanticthePiranha

    Pronunciation jif-fee
    –noun, Informal. a very short time; moment: to get dressed in a jiffy.
    Also, jiff

    [Origin: 1770–80; orig. uncert.]

    Synonyms instant, flash, second, trice.

    Random House Unabridged Dictionary, 2006.

  3. pedantic,

    Right, jiffy IS a word, like I said. I mean, like Parsley said.

    Can I borrow your dictionary?

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