It’s Baaaaa-aaaaack

About five days ago I started noticing some telltale signs. Irritability. Quick to anger. Shot memory. Lack of interest in interesting things.

Then the anxiety attacks started. Then they started morphing into panic attacks. Then my heart started doing its little stressed-out dolphin tricks – twitching, fluttering, skipping beats. It feels like there’s a meat grinder in my chest.

I fucking hate panic disorder. I fucking HATE it. Generalized anxiety caused so much of my life to pass by me, without my full participation. College, my trip to Brazil, my mother’s wedding in the Bahamas, much of my time with my partner and daughter. So that got under control, mostly – and then this intermittent, seemingly uncontrollable panic started happening. And my heart does all this electric prod bullshit, and although I’ve already seen a cardio, I can’t help but second-guess – because hey! It wasn’t doing this arrythmia thing, before! That’s new! I’m going to die of stress-induced heart failure! And then the terror gets worse.

And other very fucked up things start happening. For example, while Melissa was out with a friend today, I took a nap with Rocky. After about 1/2 hour, I woke up to the sound of a pan falling in the kitchen. I opened my eyes. Rocky was still sleeping, and Melissa had joined us in bed, and was waving to me, on the other side of Rocky. Because of the blankets, I couldn’t see her face, but there she was, home from her coffee date. Annoyed, I closed my eyes and went back to sleep.

When I woke up, she wasn’t in bed any more. Rocky and I got up. Melissa wasn’t in the house. She wasn’t even home yet.

Ok, would that freak YOU out?

Instead of meds I’m exercizing and keeping to a strict diet. I’ve upped my daily exercise to two 40-minute cardio walks a day. I’m hoping, hoping, hoping that this does the trick. I only feel the wacked-out heart when I’m resting. So I’ll just keep moving until it passes.


2 responses to “It’s Baaaaa-aaaaack

  1. Fu:
    For the love of all that is holy, please visit my blog and read the entry that says “I used to be crazy”. M can tell you what a mess I used to be. This program can cure you. Please do it.

  2. Sparks,
    I was all set up to do that program, but it turned out you had to be in full-on panic mode to qualify. I was feeling just peachy. I go months without having any problems. I doubt the timing will ever be right, but it does look like a good option. Anyway, this time the panic seems to be springing from absolutely nowhere, like some terrible, grinning creature that just shows up at random. I don’t know if they could work with that. Hopefully, I’m on the upswing. And my doctor stepbrother told me that it is highly unlikely that the leaping dolphins are any serious heart condition. So I just breaaaathe . . . and stay off caffeine and sugar . . . and go for walks . . . and try to get my head out of my chest, and out into the world. Going to lo-fi on Sunday?


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