About five days ago I started noticing some telltale signs. Irritability. Quick to anger. Shot memory. Lack of interest in interesting things.
Then the anxiety attacks started. Then they started morphing into panic attacks. Then my heart started doing its little stressed-out dolphin tricks – twitching, fluttering, skipping beats. It feels like there’s a meat grinder in my chest.
I fucking hate panic disorder. I fucking HATE it. Generalized anxiety caused so much of my life to pass by me, without my full participation. College, my trip to Brazil, my mother’s wedding in the Bahamas, much of my time with my partner and daughter. So that got under control, mostly – and then this intermittent, seemingly uncontrollable panic started happening. And my heart does all this electric prod bullshit, and although I’ve already seen a cardio, I can’t help but second-guess – because hey! It wasn’t doing this arrythmia thing, before! That’s new! I’m going to die of stress-induced heart failure! And then the terror gets worse.
And other very fucked up things start happening. For example, while Melissa was out with a friend today, I took a nap with Rocky. After about 1/2 hour, I woke up to the sound of a pan falling in the kitchen. I opened my eyes. Rocky was still sleeping, and Melissa had joined us in bed, and was waving to me, on the other side of Rocky. Because of the blankets, I couldn’t see her face, but there she was, home from her coffee date. Annoyed, I closed my eyes and went back to sleep.
When I woke up, she wasn’t in bed any more. Rocky and I got up. Melissa wasn’t in the house. She wasn’t even home yet.
Ok, would that freak YOU out?
Instead of meds I’m exercizing and keeping to a strict diet. I’ve upped my daily exercise to two 40-minute cardio walks a day. I’m hoping, hoping, hoping that this does the trick. I only feel the wacked-out heart when I’m resting. So I’ll just keep moving until it passes.