Somebody sage me.

What I Did Today for a Living
by Blue Ox

Rich woman in Northwest Hills
Huge stone house on curving street,
Jags and Beemers and Saabs, oh my!
Door left open. Greeted by friendly
Flea-bitten dog
No people
OK
And then it hits me
Stench of a thousand rotting things
Eau de cat piss
Reeking putrescence of damp used undies
The place is a fucking dump.
Laundry, clean, in hulking pile
On sticky dirt-brown floor
Crusted dishes, oh how they grin and chuckle
Never get me clean! Never!
NEEEEEVEEEERRRRRR!!
Note on grimy food-hardened table:
“-fold laundry
-hang up the shirts in masters closet
-2 hrs only $50
-ps its a suprise party so it has to look good”
Not in my lifetime.
Leave leave leave leave leave leave leave
Oh God just turn around and go
Hang head, pick up mop
Toddler-mouth to feed at home.
Yes master, shirts in your closet.
And what else? I must guess
Batten down the hatches, boys
Gritting teeth, I slap on gloves
Breathing noxious cloud of mixed smells
Listening to big dog schlup-schlup-schlup
Behold! The Great Masturbating Labrador!
I must not barf I must not barf I must not barf!
And somehow I don’t
And in two hours
I have kicked this house’s ass.
“2 hrs only $50” worth of clean.
No money no people
I leave a note:
“I kicked your house’s ass
Send check in mail”
Leave leave leave leave leave leave leave
Open door step out close door behind
BREEEEEEEAAAAATHE . . .
Drive 30 minutes home with aching head
Vowing escape
A better life
A better example for my kid
Home.
And then the phone call.
“I just got home and I’m really suprised you were here for two hours and didn’t do that much. Really, it’s like no one even cleaned.”
How many times
How many times
HOW MANY MORE TIMES will I have to say this?
“I’m sorry it wasn’t to your satisfaction
[Ma’am]

I still expect payment.”

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4 responses to “Somebody sage me.

  1. And the bitch gave me bad directions.
    And I had to weave between Hummers doing 70 in my trembling old Honda Civic.
    And I got soaked in the rain.
    And I started my period.

    And since I’ve posted several stories like this one, I just want to let you know: I’m not a crappy housekeeper who is in denial about her crappiness (that’s what I’d think if I read these posts). I’m a very good housekeeper who keeps getting slapped with one-time clients who clean their homes at best once a year, and who have no idea how time-consuming it is to scrape year-old crust off things. And not only are they not teaching their children to clean up after themselves, they seem to be actively teaching them to live like wild animals. I think they give them an allowance for throwing half-eaten Quarter Pounders on the floor, leaving damp, blackened gym socks on the kitchen counter and doing piss-drawings on the bathroom wall.

    All my regular clients are great, friends even, but still…

    get me the fuck out of this business.

  2. I promise promise promise that we will never do that to our housekeeper. Even if we only call her three times a year.

    I hate her.

    Um. Your rich slobby snob. Not our housekeeper. Our housekeeper is great.

    Wow. I sound really rich when I say that. Our housekeeper. I don’t know that I like the sound of that.

    What happened to posting your comics here?

  3. You’re the best kind of client. Just the fact that you asked my advice on etiquette is enough for me. If they were all like you, I wouldn’t have to quit.

    The comics will probably get published here, after the holidays. I have no desire to make money off them, and no reason to feel like a paper edition would be any better, so I’m probably going to go ahead and do it.

    Ok, gotta go clean a #!&*!!#@ house.

  4. And rich people don’t necessarily suck. A lot of them give a great deal of their money away to good causes. My family got rich off privateering and did all kinds of bad things (like, having a plantation), and when the money wound its way down to my grandfather, he took it and gave it away – to charities, to his sons to build their homes, to his grandkids for school; he even started a foundation for artistic kids. So go ahead, feel rich, baby!

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