Monthly Archives: October 2006

Happy HallowGODDAMNSHIT!!GETTHATAWAYFROMME!!!

Thanks to Camille, Rocky will be a Bubble Fairy for Halloween. I wish Camille would make me a costume.

Actually, I think I’m going to be the Tooth Fairy. Complete with pliers.

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Rector? It nearly killed her!

Here’s a little factoid I learned today (during the sermon given by the rector at church):

The two most-bought types of books in America: cookbooks and diet books.

Ouch. I just outed myself as a member of a church. A Christian church. That’s ok; today at church I outed myself as a pagan.

I love me.

Oh Give Me a Home, Where the Goldfish Can Roam

So. I found out Pocket is probably going to die in my house. Because goldfish are cold-water fish. And in the summer our non-insulated, upstairs garage apartment is a sweltering oven. Because we can’t afford to run the AC from May to November, central Texas’ summer season. And, according to Melissa, we’re certainly NOT running the AC for a fish! Not even in one little room? No. The guy who runs the fish store told us a bunch of his goldfish died this past summer from the heat. In a store. With AC. Hey hey, ho ho, Pocket Goldfish has got to go.

Don’t give me that look. The neighbors gave the fish to Rocky. What could we do? We never had a chance to do the research before we got him. So now we’re all bonded to the l’il guy. He comes up to us when we talk to him. He nibbles our fingers. He bats his eyes. What was I supposed to do? Flush him? I can’t believe I even said that. I’m washing my mouth out with soap. Now I’m rinsing my hands really really well, because even a tiny little particle of soap can kill a goldfish! You know, when you’re petting it.

Anybody want a 30 gallon tank with matching solid oak stand?

No, Melissa wants to keep the fishtank and put stupid tropical fish in there. Boooooor-ing. Dumb old no-personality flashy iridescent rainbow-colored tropical fish. With sparkles. What was I saying? Hey, did I mention we get to have tropical fish??

So I’ve decided to build a pond. Yes. On our patio. Yes, I know it’s only 4 feet wide. Will you let me finish?

Thank you. Ok.

I’ve decided to build a pond. You can get these little pond kits for under 100 bucks. I will have 100 bucks probably sometime in – oh, lets say March. That’s when I’ll begin my new project: “Operation Keep the Goldfish Because I Love Him”. Melissa hasn’t exactly hopped on board yet, but she always drags her feet a little when I propose something utterly ridiculous. Harry the landlord will be so surprised!

Quote of the Day

Today when Rocky woke up from a nap and finished a little bit of nursing, she patted my boob lovingly and said, “my sweet, sweet darlin’!”

Run for your lives! It’s the Arab Outlaws!

Welcome to my blog, U.S. Government! Nice to have you! Y’all come back now, y’hear? And by the way, what the hell is the “U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission”? It sounds so much less dramatic than “Homeland Security”. Dykeumentary, I’m totally jealous. Now THERE’S a website worth pointing your snipers at. Oh, and STOP THE FUCKING CLICKING ON MY PHONE. MY WIFE IS NOT A TERRORIST.

Now I forgot what I was going to write. Goddamn it.

Oh yeah. My mother-in-law is here. My mother outlaw. Whatever. We’re having a lovely visit. Her first night here I tried to impress her with a roast. Lets just say it totally sucked. She said, between dry and crusted bites, “hey, you gals want ME to cook for YOU?” Even Rocky, who was eating a hot dog, nodded vigorously. Sigh. Well, at least we get to eat Betty’s delicious Middle Eastern cooking. And she brought me a tin of baklawa. Which is similar to the Greek’s baklava, except there’s one different letter.

Now they’re going to know that the Arabs are amassing in my garage apartment.

Excuse me, my name is Mrs. Dildo’s, how do I get to Fucking?

So I did more data entry after that last post and I just need to get this off my chest. Someone out there spells her last name in the possessive, as in “Biffy Conner’s”. I know it wasn’t a slip of the pen, because she wrote her husband’s name the same way: “Buck Conner’s”.

To anyone out there who spells his or her last name in the possessive, know this: there is a special place in the Inferno for you.

Also, I found more place names.

THESE ARE REAL.

Things I do when I’m alone

I’ve taken on a third job, to buy my family’s way to Michigan in August. I’m doing data entry for an insurance company – well, more like data checking, and entry when the guy doing the entry before me screwed up. It pays $8/hour ($16 when Melissa helps me), I can do it on my own time and it’s mind-numbingly easy. Here are a few little tidbits I’ve learned about people:

It’s not just old people who scribble illegibly. It’s old people and people exactly my age.

Somebody out there writes “Eric” like “Fric”. I like Fric better.

Most married couples make each other their beneficiaries. But occassionally, a husband names his wife as his beneficiary and marks “wife”, and on her [separate, private] form the wife names some other man . . . and then marks “other”.

On more than one form the information starts out small and neat, begins to wobble, scrawls shakily across the page, then cuts off abruptly – “willie_johnson@hotmail.co-“

As if he suddenly met an unfortunate circumstance.

In my copious spare time when I’m not working 3 jobs, I’ve been doing some Very Important Research. See? Lookit these weird place names I found!

Hell, Michigan –
” … has achieved a certain status with regional weather forecasters commenting that ‘it’s a cold day in Hell'”

Lake Chargoggagoggmanchauggagoggchaubunagungamaugg, Massachusetts –
” … in the local Native American language Englishmen at Manchaug at the Fishing Place at the Boundary but notably mis-translated as You Fish on Your Side, I Fish on My Side, Nobody Fish in the Middle and widely publicised as such, which combined with the unusual length of the name has led to it being a curiosity in the region.”

Saint-Louis-du-Ha! Ha!, Quebec, Canada –
“The origins of the name remain mysterious and controversial to this day.”

Zzyzx, California

Gun Sight, Texas
Gun Barrel City, Texas
Point Blank, Texas
Cut and Shoot, Texas

And for those of you keeping up on posts past, here are the much-anticipated updates:

-My landlord Harry’s guys showed up today and started demolishing the downstairs. Just like that. No warning. Just suddenly BAM!BAM!BAM! and the house felt like it was about to crumble to the ground. Hopefully the “possum” (RATSRATSRATS) under the tub will get the hint and scurry over to the next house. Though that would be Harry’s.

-The new fishtank is set up and circulating in preparation for our goldfish and his as-yet-unbought companion. Diana came in and saw it for the first time, stood there for a minute, then said simply, “it’s huge.”

ps: is ANYBODY going out for Halloween? Am I the only person in America who likes to go out to celebrate the Christian Church bastardizing my Pagan holidays? Because I haven’t been invited to anything, y’all. Maybe I just figured out why. Hey, Christian friends! Love ya, hate the pope! Want to dress up like heathens and get drunk?